Mi Desastre Andante Reflection

It’s challenging to fathom all the thoughts going through my mind at this moment. When trying to write this essay, I realized it would be my last English essay for Baldwin School, which is sad and hopeful simultaneously. I feel worried because of all the sweet memories of growing in the same campus and seeing the same faces. I feel optimistic about the future and the new adventures I will embark on. Nevertheless, when trying to reflect on my time back, I find myself not being able to cherish any sweet moments as I am stuck in a whirlwind of paranoia. I have lost time with my friends and time with my family. 

I try to find things to entertain myself, such as TV  but quickly notice I have watched everything. Then I try to read a book, but for the first time, I can say I have read EVERYTHING in my bookshelf. Lastly, I attempted to sew, an old hobby of mine, but I find no joy in it as the thoughts continue to run through my head. I have screamed, I have run (which is not common for me), I have baked for hours, and I have cried, but I have no shame towards the feelings I have at this moment. I believe this paranoia stems from my childhood as I was raised hearing about sin, specifically in the Bible, the repercussions, people pay for taking the low road. My dad would read the book of Revelation (aka apocalypse) about the possible pandemic, the bugs, famine, earthquakes, and the evil empire to rise. The government has exposed us by not taking an effective containment strategy; therefore, increasing levels of stress, anxiety, and a psychological cost. I find myself thinking, what if this is my last day? Without realizing that these thoughts are plaguing my mind for a reason. Hurricane María had a vast social and psychological impact. Then the earthquakes, which alongside the hurricane, set in motion the growth of my paranoia seed. Now the worldwide pandemic and all news sources hold different statistics and possible dangers. 

We have accomplished so much since the last plague in the 1920s, from advancement in technology to gay rights. Nevertheless, we find ourselves committing the very same mistakes by allowing policymakers with no thought of the greater good the power to control the laws, money, and decisions of this country. Not only of this country but this goddamn world. Every other animal in the kingdom is given a task, and if electrocuted, eventually, it stops doing it, but for some reason, humans, the “intellectually superior” ones, find themselves making the same mistakes. Our system is broken. Our behavior as a society has not truly changed but rather has been masked by a superficial layer of sprinkles, rainbows, and unicorns. I am frustrated, disgusted, and tired, and I’m only 18 years old.

While the founding fathers may have envisioned a utopia of justice and equality, for a century and a half, I had envisioned a utopia of trustworthy policymakers looking out for the greater good by not selling stock before the news of the coronavirus was public. A utopia where world powers don’t put economic dominance over-sharing news about a deadly disease on its way. A utopia where, at this point, I can simply leave my house and see the facial expression of another human without a mask on. A mask is precisely the symbol for the current crisis at hand. Something protecting you, but in reality, not, the sides of each story, like the mask, allowing enough room for particles of lies and deceit to enter our bodies. To hide behind the problem instead of cutting the head of the snake. 

The United States is held to be the greatest country in the world because of diversity and freedom, but Canada and Belgium have plenty of freedom. The U.S. is 49th in life expectancy and 25th in education. The U.S. is ranked 21 from freedom of corruption, 178th in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in the labor force and exports, and finally 102nd in highest unemployment rate out of 200 countries. We only lead in the amount of incarcerated per capita, defense spending, and currently number one for the highest coronavirus cases. What does this say about us? Consequently, education must change to allow individuals the room to learn the truth. When knowledge is at our disposal, we must simply grab it and chug it down like a beer in a football tailgate, then squash it to the floor, and therefore, empower ourselves after every beer to evolve. I would describe this rampage as my “desastre andante” making no sense but indeed it is what I feel in this strange time we are living in.

 

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